Heavy G's marriage advice column

[Heavy G]

This thread is a little like Dear Abby, but better.  Because in this column the ladies (and men) of TSP can see what guys really think.  That's 'cause I keep it real here. 

The first question was PM'd to me by an unnamed TSPer.  He asks, "I have a slight cold that my wife doesn't know about yet.  She wants to have sex, but I'm concerned I might give her my cold.  Should I say 'yes'?"

Answer: Of course.  It's sex we're talking about.  Go for it, bro.

[Roundabouts]

OMG I am Laughing so hard.    Good advice!!    Ok I got one for you. 

Hubby and the lights. I swear I watch him walk into a room turn the lights on and then walk out!! Even in the day light.  Yesterday I followed him around and kept shutting lights off.   When it's 28F out side he will leave the door open.  UGH  Dang it honey shut the dam lights off poop a gold nugget to pay for it or get a second job.  He just says did I do that?  I am so tempted to have him wear his flash light baseball cap all the time on high beams. 

For those that have not seen them yet Lowe's had some baseball caps that have LED lights in the bill  I just love that hat.  Now he can see hands free when he goes out to the barn.  No more stepping in poo along the way.  Small victories

T

[Heavy G]

Roundabouts:  Try this.  "Hey, honey, if the lights are on and it's cold it's harder to ... you know."

I guarantee that the lights will be off and the doors closed.  It's how men are.

[cheryl1]

I wore my husband's coat out when I gathered the eggs yesterday and accidently left an egg in a pocket. Now he's upset because he reached into his pocket and came out with a handful of smashed egg. I washed the coat, but he's still a little irritated with me. How can I make it up to him?


Oh wait...he already ate a sandwich so he must be wanting the other thing. 

[FrugalFannie]

isn't the point of a 'dear abby column' to help with anonimity?

and Heavy G playing the role of Dear Abby? Well, thanks, I needed a good laugh today.

[TexasGirl]

I'm hoping "Dear Abner" would be more appropriate. 

I can just imagine Dear Abby in a frilly little skirt answering emails at her computer, and would hate for Heavy G's wife to see him that way...

~TG

[Heavy G]

How can I make it up to him?

Oh wait...he already ate a sandwich so he must be wanting the other thing. 

You are wise, Cheryl1.

[Heavy G]

isn't the point of a 'dear abby column' to help with anonimity?

Send a PM.  I won't say who it is.  (Note: the next person to send me a PM with an embarrassing question is NOT PennyPincher.)

[Heavy G]

I can just imagine Dear Abby in a frilly little skirt answering emails at her computer, and would hate for Heavy G's wife to see him that way...

My goal is to get some lovin' from Mrs. Heavy G, not make her throw up.  Barf breath is not sexy.  I tolerated making out with a woman who just barfed, but that was in college.

[FrugalFannie]

Send a PM.  I won't say who it is.  (Note: the next person to send me a PM with an embarrassing question is NOT PennyPincher.)

LOL

My husband has been with me almost 20 years (2+ 17, almost 18, married) the only advice I need is to keep hanging on because I am the luckiest girl in the world!

[DocRokRx]

She wants to have sex, but I'm concerned I might give her my cold.  Should I say 'yes'?"
Answer: Of course.  It's sex we're talking about.  Go for it, bro.

Thats why they invented the "hooker rule", you know- no kissing on the mouth, no eye contact...
its all good 

[Dawgus]

Dear Mr G-

 It's winter here in Ohio. Translated, that means 4 days of snow followed by 3 days of rain, followed by 2 days of snow...you get the picture. My wife works in an office and wears heels. She complains every day about walking 40 feet to the car, and either getting her feet wet, or mud on her shoes. I've suggested wearing boots and changing her shoes at work, but her response is always "I'm only walking back and forth to the car", followed by a 3 minute tirade on muddy or wet feet/shoes. 

 How can I convince her that those silly boots, that she will gladly wear to shovel snow, will also keep her feet warm and dry when going to work? Is there some mental block with common sense when wearing makeup and a skirt? Is there some sort of mind control drug in her makeup products that keep her from realizing the obvious? Would a tin foil hat in the mornings stop these evil mind rays from confusing her?

 Help me Mr G. You're my only hope.

[Heavy G]

Hmmm, Dawgus.  You have presented me with a very difficult problem.  That's because most of the time it's women asking how to get their husbands to do something ... and that answer is so easy.

But I will apply the same principle here: withhold sex from her unless she wears boots.  Try that out.

[Docwatmo]

But I will apply the same principle here: withhold sex from her unless she wears boots.  Try that out.

BAD ADVICE.  I've been doing this for 16 years and it still hasn't worked.   

[TexDaddy]

BAD ADVICE....

For once, I agree with Doc. 

[cheryl1]

Most of the time when women complain, they just want you to listen, not jump in with solutions. She knows boots will keep her feet dry, she's not an idiot.

[bdhutier]

Besides, why would you encourage her to take the heels off??? 

 

[TexasGirl]

Cheryl1 is quite right.  When Mrs Dawg comes home all cold and wet announcing those aching feet, have you tried giving a loving hug and say something like "I'm so sorry!"  Maybe later, a relaxing foot massage with coconut oil might help her distress.

Then again, Mrs Dawg might be attentive to outward appearances and consider practical boots to be frumpy with business attire.  If that's the case, maybe a $hopping trip i$ in order for $ome cute little $now boot$ that would look nice.  Never hurts to offer.

~TG

[cheryl1]

Oooohhh, shopping-good idea!

[Heavy G]

This one came in by PM:

"When I rub my wife's feet, her response is "okay, what did you do wrong?" or "I know what you want".

Now of course, we all know that I want the goods, but I don't want it to look like those are my intentions.  I'm okay rubbing her feet a few times during movies nights and falling asleep when my head hits the pillow.  I figure that I'm building up credit.  The question is, how long are those credits good for?  Just curious.

Curious from Colorado."

What is the square root of -1?  It is the impossible, unsolvable puzzle.  There is no answer to your question.

Basically, foot rubbing is an acceptable way of proposing some love.  It's much better than sending her a text that says, "Wanna &*#%?"

[amanadoo]

This one came in by PM:

"When I rub my wife's feet, her response is "okay, what did you do wrong?" or "I know what you want".

Now of course, we all know that I want the goods, but I don't want it to look like those are my intentions.  I'm okay rubbing her feet a few times during movies nights and falling asleep when my head hits the pillow.  I figure that I'm building up credit.  The question is, how long are those credits good for?  Just curious.

Curious from Colorado."

What is the square root of -1?  It is the impossible, unsolvable puzzle.  There is no answer to your question.

Basically, foot rubbing is an acceptable way of proposing some love.  It's much better than sending her a text that says, "Wanna &*#%?"

I disagree! We always want the foot rubs! But if you take it, knowing it's not done out of love, but "for credit," it's annoying. A "wanna ****" text is better, because you can be like YEP! or NOPE! And everyone knows what's up!

lol exclamation marks.

[TexasGirl]

I disagree! We always want the foot rubs! But if you take it, knowing it's not done out of love, but "for credit," it's annoying. A "wanna ****" text is better, because you can be like YEP! or NOPE! And everyone knows what's up!

lol exclamation marks.

Wait a minute, I'm confused.   You mean there are times when a guy really doesn't want sex?   Wow!  Who knew!!

~TG

[Morning Sunshine]

 

[Roundabouts]

yeah get low T and well you will think the foot rub was sex

[archer]

Wait a minute, I'm confused.   You mean there are times when a guy really doesn't want sex?   Wow!  Who knew!!

~TG

we have to sleep sometime....

[Docwatmo]

we have to sleep sometime....

Says who 

[Shaunypoo]

I always let her ask for the footrub.  She always thinks there is an ulterior motive if I offer, and of course she is right.  In a good marriage, it all evens out anyway.

[amanadoo]

Wait a minute, I'm confused.   You mean there are times when a guy really doesn't want sex?   Wow!  Who knew!!

~TG

I doubt it. I'm a lady.

[Heavy G]

Another PM:

"My wife and I have been happily married for over 10 years and love each other fiercely.  But I have a disease that I have never told her about.  BRD (Black Rifle Disease)

How do I tell her?"

You don't.  I think this clip summarizes why:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yB7J7DYi6M

She can't handle the truth.  Why mess with a good thing?  Hide the guns (with proper locks if you have kids, of course) and let love blossom.  Out of sight, out of mind.

[Heavy G]

Another PM:

"This is going to sound mean..but..how do I get my husband to not be such a Nancy! I love him to death and do so often! I just hate coming across as the nagging b!+@# that's always hun you need to split wood today,hun can you haul water to the hens,hun..hun..hun..he will do it but then pout like a little girl all day for how hard he's worked the last week and how I'm always asking him to do things..we work out of home he doesn't break a sweat..I let him know how grateful I am..and praise him for what he does but come on I do it the other six days a week and the house and the kids and the cooking..then I spilt wood then I haul feed and water and basically run things..I don't want to have to ask..withholding sex is no big deal for him he can go months and not care..I love my husband very much but I feel like I go at life alone and I get really worn out having to wear the pants and the skirt all of the time.."

That part about him going months without wanting sex makes this impossible for me to address.  I can't comprehend that.  It's like going months without food or water.

One thing about the topic of him doing stuff, here's what I know.  In the past, I had to be told to do things because everytime I did things on my own, it was never right.  (Not saying that's you, just that it was my situation.)  I finally just started doing things around the house the way I wanted to do them.  My wife asked what changed.  I told her "I don't have to go through the permitting process."  She didn't like hearing that, but realized I was right.  And stuff was getting done without her asking me to do it.  So that's what I'm doing now. 

Throw every sexy trick you have at him.  I bet that'll get him in line.  *feminists are hating this advice column; I don't care*