How do you survive a surprise divorce?

[monkeyboyf]

Get up off the floor and realize it might not be anything you did wrong.  She obviously had it well planned or had been ready for some time.  When ex-boyfriend gets tired of the conquest and a little fling, he may not be so ready to take on a ready-made family.  She could possibly be looking for a way back in with you.  Be very careful. I'm sorry about your job, but make an active effort to find something, even if it isn't what you want.  You need funds to get an attorney to protect your rights as a father.  My thoughts and prayers will be with you.  You can do it!

[born2hunt2]

thanks for the encouragment

[OKGranny]

Actually born2hunt2 that isn't encouragment. It's exactly what you need to do. It  might be somewhat your fault or it might not but either way giving up isn't the answer. Moving on with life, learning from what happened, and dealing with a bad blow is all part of life. Find a support group, a preacher, a therapist, whatever so you can talk it out and learn to start putting one foot in front of the other again is absolutely necessary.

[monkeyboyf]

born2hunt2,
OKGranny and I have been around awhile, and it's easy to tell you what you must do, age does that to us,hehe. Really, use every bit of your courage to fight for that baby!We are both concerned for you, just don't give up. Blessings to you.

[LvsChant]

born2hunt2... I'm sure this is a very dark time for you... but hang in there... we are all here wishing good things for you!

[Sweethearts Mom]

http://lemonadeadventures.blogspot.com/

I would recommend that you read this blog of a single parent who home schools and shows that it is hard but fulfilling.

[OKGranny]

born2hunt2,
OKGranny and I have been around awhile, and it's easy to tell you what you must do, age does that to us,hehe. Really, use every bit of your courage to fight for that baby!We are both concerned for you, just don't give up. Blessings to you.

Good point. I do tend to sound too blunt too but I really worry about him and anyone that gets stuck in that pit of dispair. It's quicksand that will keep pulling you in if you let it and he's got a baby that needs him and I'm sure family that loves him.

[born2hunt2]

Ive got no one. My parents just retired and are in the process of movin to montana with my brothers family. Goin to be all alone. Dont have many friends anymore. There all married and have there own familys to take care of. Still cant find a job. Wife is takin house because i cant afford it anymore. She wants me out by the weekend, its hard packin stuff all alone. Have to put all my supplies in storage. Wont do me much good there. Guess im goin to live in my truck for while,its got a good cap so shouldnt be too bad. Its my bov anyways. Guess i would leave to but i cant leave my daughter shes all i got left.

[Pathfinder]

Ive got no one. My parents just retired and are in the process of movin to montana with my brothers family. Goin to be all alone. Dont have many friends anymore. There all married and have there own familys to take care of. Still cant find a job. Wife is takin house because i cant afford it anymore. She wants me out by the weekend, its hard packin stuff all alone. Have to put all my supplies in storage. Wont do me much good there. Guess im goin to live in my truck for while,its got a good cap so shouldnt be too bad. Its my bov anyways. Guess i would leave to but i cant leave my daughter shes all i got left.

Son, been there, know the sense of despair and helplessness at loosing everything - kids, house, even my dog. But let me tell you this. You can wallow in the self pity all you want, and not one damn thing will change.

Or, you can decide you are going to man-up, and be a father to your daughter. Right now you are following Adam's course of being passive, letting the soon-to-be ex-wife call all of the shots. You have rights and you have responsibilities. Exercise your rights and live up to your responsibilities. You cannot do that feeling sorry for yourself. I know. I tried. And failed.

Get some help - a pastor for example, even one you do not know. Most lawyers will meet with you at least once for free - talk to one, explain your circumstances. It's an old Boy Scout principle - know who your resources are and use them effectively. They should be able to point you to a support group who can help you get through this emotionally and even legally.

My Brother, your well-being - and that of your daughter - are the most important elements of your life right now. Be a servant-leader for your daughter and yourself. This will undoubtedly be the hardest thing you have ever done. But you can do it. You have to take the first steps, and that includes talking with someone, getting a place to stay, and setting some goals for yourself.

Please PM me if you can, and let's see where this goes.

[born2hunt2]

I have talked to a lawyer. i had to get one because she put a protection order on me the 1st of march. She took my daughter away from me for 3 weeks. Couldnt see or talk to either of them. She said she did it because she wanted to stop me from having overnights during the work week because i had to drop my daughter off at daycare at 630am. She said it was too early, said she was afraid i would get mad when she wanted no more overnights. Shes right, i wouldve been steamin. But its ok for her to go to parties with my daughter until 1am in the morning! Problem is shes 24 and im 36. Anyways it cost me 2000 dollars for the lawyer to get the order dropped. He wants another 3000 for the divorce. I dont have the money. So im tryin to do it myself and work out the details with her,but every time I call her she says she doesnt want to talk about this right now.So i email her and get no response. I text her about what we need to do and she says not now. I dont know if she wants the divorce or not. All i know is shes been livin bill free with her parents havin a great old time while im tryin to figure out my future.

[Sister Wolf]

Problem is shes 24 and im 36.

I appreciate your situation, but that isn't the problem.

Can you please introduce yourself in the intro thread, born2hunt2?  I think it would be good for you to take a look around the forum and try to find another thread (or a few other threads) you're interested in, as well.  Ones that have nothing to do with divorce.  Expand your horizons, and stop focusing 100% of your energy on how miserable you are.

Thank you.

[born2hunt2]

hey no problem i will leave u gals alone

[Sister Wolf]

hey no problem i will leave u gals alone

  That isn't what I said, and it isn't what I implied.  I just want you to try to focus, say, 10% of your energy on something you like.  I would be very unhappy if nobody tried to stop you from doing something stupid, like drinking yourself into a stupor, or committing suicide, etc.

[LvsChant]

born2hunt2...

It may be really beneficial for you to find something else you enjoy doing and learning about on the forum here to alleviate some of the stress your situation is causing you... we all are very sad to hear of your difficulties...

[OKGranny]

All Sister Wolf suggested was that you try really hard to look around and find something to focus on at least for a few minutes that has nothing to do with this situation. Your emotions are your worst enemy right now. I know, been there, done that.

[Sister Wolf]

Exactly.  I'm kind of a drill sergeant about wallowing.  Get your ass up, soldier, and walk on.

Also - use this thread as much as you want to.  I just hereby command that you post in at least one other thread for every post you make in here. 

[grandma]

I might be weird (okay, okay, I AM weird), but I'm a proponent of "best not to marry again until the babes are out".  Becoming wrapped up in your own world with dating and remarrying and all that provides a wealth of instability that will cause nothing but problems for your children, in my opinion.

The kids are the most important part of this.  It's going to be hard on you, Wintersparrow, we have all pointed that out.  But your kids?  This is going to be hell for them.  No, more like hell turned inside out and then made a thousand times worse.  They need mom full time now, more than they have ever needed you before.

That is, of course, my opinion.  I don't have children, so I could be talking out of my ass.  Take it for what it's worth, and know that while I blab, I also support any decision you make regarding your family. 

 I know many do not agree with this, but in my case it was the decision I made, and I am glad I did.  My younger was 10 and my older 15 when their father left.  I was on my own for 8 years before I met, and subsequently married, DH.  It worked for me, but it might not for everyone.  It just seemed like one less upsetting thing for my children to have to deal with, and as the adult who (seemingly) was in charge of her emotions, it was a choice I'm glad I made...I never felt 'put-upon' to have made it  Their father, on the other hand, had no such qualms.

One thing soemone told me soon after he left was NOT to make any life changing decisions (like moving or changing jobs) right away. I'm glad I listened to that one.

[LdMorgan]

I trust things are working out for you, Wintersparrow. No matter what, hang on to your hope for the future and cherish the good things around you--like your children and your true friends.

My daughter went through a surprise divorce several years ago. In retrospect, it was the best thing that could have happened to her.

Time marches on, and it's amazing how fast things can turn around after the worst has passed.

A lot of good advice has already been offered, but I do have a couple of things to add.

1. The man you divorce is never the man you married. It's like an Invasion of the Body Snatchers thing. They just look the same. So guard yourself in dealing with the new Total Stranger and make no assumptions based on the character of the man you married. He isn't there anymore. That also means you owe the Total Stranger nothing, emotionally.

2. Start a Divorce Diary, and write down everything that happens along the way, not just with the process of the divorce, but with yourself and your family. Your daily life.

Start it now and write in it every day. This will not only keeps the facts straight, but will let you see the progress you are making toward turning your life around and pointing it in the direction you want.

It will also keep you from forgetting what happened. (Sounds crazy, huh? How could you ever forget any thing about this?)

The pain of a divorce and the pain of childbirth are remarkably similar. Within a short time Nature starts blurring the details, until you finally remember only a description of the events rather than the events themselves. And that description is very mutable and can become very inaccurate. You will be surprised what even five years can do.

Your Divorce Diary will be an accurate description of what happened. One you can rely on. You may never "need" what is in your Diary, but the time may come when your children will.

When they need to understand what happened, for example, as adults themselves. Or (hopefully not) when something similar happens to them.

Once the present has moved into the past, you can be free from it--but it's usually wise to remember what you are free from.

[Klonus]

Hey all. Thanks for all the kind words. My divorce was just finalized recently and it's been a tremendous burden off my shoulders. Now I can focus on getting my life back. Even though it's been a painful process, it is still exciting to be In control of my destiny again. If anyone finds themslves going through divorce and wants to do it "pro se" pm me if you need any help. I'm no legal expert but it was easy and it cost me only the filing fees. It makes you wonder what the point of divorce lawyers are for ( besides stir up more trouble).  Keeping drama to a minimum is always helpful in these matters lol. 

[Dylboz]

"Recently, I caught my husband cheating on me and, long story short, a divorce is in my near future."

I had a very similar experience. Caught the wife cheating with her ex-boyfriend, a cop no less, who was married with his own kids at the time, and who had on an earlier occasion harassed and intimidated me (under color of law) when my ex dumped him to get back together with me. Quite a soap opera, but it ended fairly well for me (I am now very happily married to a truly wonderful woman). Except for the $10,000 of the ex's credit cards I am still paying. At least we never had kids!

Bottom line, life gets back to normal. True happiness can be achieved in the aftermath. Your life has not ended, it has just begun.

Now, if only I could stop having these dreams where my ex just shows up to move back into the house. Talk about nightmares!