PistolPete, I think you figured it out, but I just wanted to agree with this post from properintent in case anyone else came looking with the same problem.
Women often do not recognize that men have some deep emotions when it comes to providing for their families, solving problems, etc. Men often feel it is their job to solve their family problems or guide their families to avoid problems. When we're not fulfilled in this role, or worse, when we're attacked for it, we feel helpless or frustrated. Men don't like feeling helpless. Society is reprogramming men to not be leaders at home, and that is a bad thing. We just have to be more sophisticated in our leadership abilities. As a rule, no longer get to wear the pants in every respect anymore.
So very true. And sometimes, as women, we've been taught that allowing a man to lead in the family is being weak and we'll regret it. In reality, the key is finding a man worth following, and then standing beside him as a team.
I learned all this flowery sh*t while going through my divorce with an alcoholic who I loved very much. I had to take our 2 and 3 year old girls from her and I'm raising them by myself.
I divorced an alcoholic husband after 13 years of marriage and countless moments of terror when he decided that his misery was all my fault. He literally told me once that the reason why he drank so much was because I wasn't very good at keeping the house clean. And there were a number of times when he decided right next to my head was the perfect place for a fist-induced hole in the wall.
Divorce is a big deal. If you think it ends all of your problems, you're wrong. I've done it twice - once from the alcoholic with a temper, and again from my 2nd husband (stupid, stupid mistake) who refused to hurt his girlfriend's feelings by breaking up with her. And it's never simple or easy or pretty. It's even worse if you have kids because you STILL have to deal with your ex, except now they don't even have to pretend to be civil.
I still have to have contact with my 1st husband, even though it's a decade later and our kids are legally adults. Thankfully, I do think he has done some growing up, as well as realizing I don't have to put up with his tirades anymore. He has actually become helpful and somewhat respectful, mostly because I grew a spine and demanded that from him.
Now I'm in a healthy and wonderful relationship with Jay, and one of the best things about it is that we both have the ability to compromise. We also have a huge appreciation for each other (3 years later, he still opens every door for me, and I still say "thank you" every time).
I think once you get into the "he vs. she" mentality, it's really hard to compromise and you can get selfish with what you want as opposed to what's best for the family as a whole. And when you do that, someone has to be the first to give in and work at making their partner happy. Eventually, they tend to react with trust and it sets a new model for how the marriage works now. Not always, but you never know unless you try.
Okay, I'm done with Lessons From My Stupid Years.
